French Jokes

“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordian.” — Jed Babbin, former Undersecretary of Defense

The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a National crisis. They have plenty of rackets…but no balls!!

A friend of mine is an officer in the naval reserve.

A few weeks ago, He was attending a conference that included admirals in both the US and the French navies.

At a cocktail reception, my friend found himself in a small group that included an admiral from each of the two navies.

The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learned English.

He then asked. “Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?”

Without even hesitating, the American admiral replied.

“Maybe it is because we arranged it so that you did not have to learn to speak German.”

The group became silent.

The makers of French’s Mustard made the following recent statement:

We at the French’s Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.

The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.

Q. How do you say hello in French?

A. “I Surrender.”

Q. What’s the difference between a Frenchman and toast?

A. You can’t make French soldiers out of toast.

Q. Why do French tanks have 6 reverse gears and only one forward gear?

A. They rarely get attacked from behind.

Q. How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?

A. Don’t know, it’s never been tried.

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?

A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What’s the motto of the US Marine Corps?

A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)

Q: What’s the motto of the French Army?

A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France?

A. They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?

A: Their armpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?

A: The bucket

Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac’s ass?

A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!

Q. What’s the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?

A. The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

Q. How do you introduce yourself in French?

A. “Don’t shoot, I give up!”

Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

A. The French army.

Q. Why is the Champs-Elysées lined with trees?

A. Because the Germans like to march in the shade.

Q: Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?

A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?

A: A salesman.

Q: What do you call 20 French politicians face down in the Channel?

A: A start.

Q: What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?

A: There are skid marks before the hedgehog.

Q: Why do the French smell?

A: So blind people can hate them too!

Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?

A: Because it doesn’t really exist.

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armour on his back?

A: Jacques Chirac

Q: Where can you find 90,000,000 French jokes?

A: In France

Q: What Does “Maginot Line” mean in French?

A: “Speed bump ahead”

Q: What’s the new French flag look like?

A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?

A: People were confused about which side to spit on.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?

A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?

A: Gratitude.

A man asks his companion, “What’s the most common French expression”? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, “I give up!”

Paris (Associated Press)

French to Send Surrender Advisors to Iraq

In a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the War on Terror after all. Five hundred soldiers from the elite L’Abandonnement du Field d’Honneur Battalion de Francais (French Surrender Battalion) of the Stranger Legion (Foreign Legion) are in the process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist the elite Iraqi Republican Guards in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming might of the American and British Armed Forces.

“Eet ees important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering,” said General Philippe de Peepee, the Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has personally surrendered in more than 200 battles going back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954.

“We French are ze world masters at surrendering, n’est ce pas, not like you arrogant Americans who never surrender. Ha, I spit on your filthy American victories.”

President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3,000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateur Francais (French Collaboration Force) to assist the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.

When Saddam Hussein asked Chirac to advise him as to how many troops would be needed to defend his capital city, Chirac replied, “I do not know. France has no experience in defending its capital city.”

France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France. – Mark Twain

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada. – Ted Nugent

War without France would be like … uh … World War II

Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

“France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” —-Mark Twain

“I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.” — General George S. Patton

“We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.” —- Marge Simpson

“As far as I’m concerned, war always means failure” —Jacques Chirac, President of France

“As far as France is concerned, you’re right.” —Rush Limbaugh,

“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.” — Regis Philbin

“The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don’t know.” — P.J O’Rourke (1989)

“You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn’t have the face for it.” —John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

“You know why the French don’t want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people.” –Conan O’Brien

I don’t know why people are surprised that France won’t help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France! — Jay Leno

The last time the French asked for ‘more proof’ it came marching into Paris under a German flag. –David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered. — Jay Leno

In response to the recent terror attacks in Spain, the French government have raised their terror alert status from “Run” to “Hide”.

If attacks continue on the continent they may be forced to further increase the alert to “Surrender”, or even as high as “Collaborate”.

“The French will only agree to go to war when we’ve proven we’ve found truffles in Iraq.” — Dennis Miller “What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?” — Dennis Miller The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy! Raise your right hand if you like the French … raise both hands if you are French. “Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that’s because it was raining.” — John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We’ll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice. — Jay Leno

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994.The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

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